And, my dear, is it not so bad to be lost?
I for one quite enjoy the brambles in my hair
And mud between my toes.
Never will I wish now, for red drawing rooms
To take the place of the green canopies I sleep under.
Or for great gold chairs to topple my thousand year oaks
(Which make just as good a seat).
And should I ever say nay to the symphony of birds,
Orchestra of crickets or the chorus of frogs
That lullabies me to sleep,
Please hang me by the neck until dead.
For never again do I want to be among the courteous and kind,
Not so long as I have to wear such tight shoes.
Or pull my hair into styles so tight
that the strands are near pulled from my skull.
And never again do I want to bow, and kiss, and hug
Someone who I secretly despise.
No! Let my hair go uncombed
And my dresses go torn!
Let me shout and scream at those that I loathe,
Then calm myself, not to pretentious tea,
But to the symphonies of pleasant forest
Under my canopy of green and stars.
I suppose, my dear, what I am trying to say is,
Goddamn your tradition
And let me be lost and wander with my life,
At least then I’ll enjoy it.
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Canary word: Present
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Welcome to the YWS! I'm also a Mod. ^^ Aren't you lucky, two mod reviews and one from kissthewtich! She is a fine poetry reviewee.
I know lullaby is a verb, but it feels awkward there. I think lull would flow better, in my opinion.I honestly only have two complaints regarding this poem because it makes me so happy inside. The first is a slight one:
The other complaint I have is on your punctuation. You start a lot of sentences with "and" and "or" which sounds strange at the beginning of so many sentences. I would say cut these, but you would loose a vital part of the sentence because those words are so important right there, but perhaps a change in punctuation to make certain things all one sentence? For example a section of the first stanza could be punctuated as such:
Never will I wish now, for red drawing rooms
To take the place of the green canopies I sleep under,
Or for great gold chairs to topple my thousand year oaks
(Which make just as good a seat),
And should I ever say nay to the symphony of birds,
Orchestra of crickets or the chorus of frogs
That lullabies me to sleep,
Please hang me by the neck until dead.
To me it looks like it flows more, but if you like it as is than ignore this entirely. ^^ While I'm at it, I adore the last line of this stanza. At first it caught me off guard because my brain had fallen asleep and got confused but when I read again and understood it, I adored it. Your speaker is so witty and blunt. It makes me happy, like I said.
The imagery in the first stanza was perfect, and the complete rebellion of all things to go back to nature is wonderful. This is an amazing poem.
First of all, welcome to YWS!
I'm a moderator, which means that if you need any help at all on YWS, you can always contact me and I'll do my best to help you.
The second and third stanzas seem to go off topic and they don't use the "lost" theme at all. Those stanzas are more of a rant on how much society sucks. Your last stanza ties it together a little, but not enough to give purpose to the second and third stanzas. So I would suggest that you rethink both those stanzas and try to tie it all together. When you can do that, it will be a marvelous poem.
Now, to your poem!
I thought this was an interesting poem! First of all, I love the classical way it's written and I loved the way you described nature. That was fun. My favorite stanza has to be the first one, for this reason. Your narrator is so quirky that it's hard not to like him, even though he can have funny opinions at time that differ from mine. When he said, "Goddamn your tradition" I chuckled.
As far as being nit-picky and such, I thought that the second and third stanzas really don't match up with the first stanza. I mean, your first stanza talks about being lost in a lovely light by saying that being lost is akin to being in the unknown and thusly closer to nature, as was intended. Or at least that's what I read it as.
Happy editing!
Hey there, A. Phauox. Welcome to YWS! This poem is obviously very polished and original-thanks for a break from grammatical errors
Actually, it was hard to find things wrong with it. There was one thing that stuck out at me:
I'm not sure courteous and kind is the best phrase to use here. Why would she not want to be among the courteous and kind? It seems that you mean those society people, who are nice to everyone but don't really mean any of it (right?). So I think a better word would be something like 'fake'.
Sorry for the nit-pick: but that was the only thing that bothered me!
My favorite line:
I laughed at that.
Anyway, I loved reading this. Keep writing, and PM me if you need anything.